Many of us accept feelings of loneliness as a normal part of life. We assume that our feelings of lone-liness are valid and true when they are in fact nothing more than demonic suggestions (and a lie) that we often accept due to our unmet needs and desires. Instead of going to God to get those needs fulfilled, often times assuming that such needs can only be fulfilled by physical proximity, contact, or a strong emotional connection to another person, we look for people to be the answer to a spiritual problem which they can not and did not create, nor can they ever fully solve. Furthermore, not only is loneliness a lie, but is also impossible as we are never and can never be alone and believing anything different is only a tactic that the enemy uses to draw us into faithlessness in God and most of all into sin.
Excerpt from pg 22-26
When I was, for the second time in my life, really trying to do right and live for God I’ll admit that I was extremely lonely. Months earlier, God had given me the strength to end an ungodly and poisonous relationship, and I wanted nothing more than to get things right this time. I went to work, took care of my daughter, and came home every night to the same routine of cleaning, dinner, baths, and a few wholesome TV shows before bed. I went to church every Sunday, attended Bible studies during the week, and felt that this was how my life would be from then on. It wasn’t the most interesting life, but it was peaceful, and I was ready to accept it because I was tired of the heartbreak and emptiness of life. But again, I was lonely.
I was lonely because, even though I wanted to do what was right (Romans 7:19), I hadn’t yet realized that there was a root cause to my loneliness that I needed Christ to liberate me from (Isaiah 61:1; 2 Corinthians 3:17; John 8:32) (This is explained more in chapter 3). I didn’t understand then that loneliness is a not a state of being but a state of mind rooted in a lie concocted by the devil. Once we believe the lie, we perceive and manifest it in our realities (Proverbs 23:7 KJV). The devil will then use what we have manifested through our perception to confirm for us that what we feel and believe is true. However, physical reality alone doesn’t and never has defined our existence, and feelings are unreliable. And beliefs are powerful enough to alter our experience of the world which is what the enemy seeks to influence and control. But I’ll talk about this more later.
Let’s get back to the story. Not understanding the truth about loneliness is why eventually, after a new tall, dark-skinned, slender-faced neighbor kept asking if he could come by and hang out, I eventually gave in. I told him upfront that I was a Christian and wasn’t interested in anything beyond friendship, and he assured me that he only wanted the same. For the first couple months or so everything was fine. We watched TV, talked, laughed, and ate dinner together. I was relieved to have some company, even male company, and didn’t have to worry about sexual pressure.
But as you could have guessed, that didn’t last very long. Little by little, he started flirting with me, and he eventually became touchy. I really wasn’t interested in sex, but I did like the attention, even though I pushed him away and several times put him out of my apartment. Weeks and even months later, he would return with some story about needing to use my iron, my phone, or just simply needing someone to talk to. I think the lonely part of me sympathized with my suspicion that he was lonely too. So with boundaries and conditions―which he always eventually crossed and broke―I would sooner or later give in.
However, after a sort of trauma, and finding myself in an extremely emotionally fragile state and therefore a moment of weakness, I fell. Even afterward, I tried several times to end things and chase him away. But as was becoming our pattern, he would disappear for a little while then resurface with promises to behave, and I would restate and slightly alter my conditions before allowing him back in.
After a few months of this back and forth relationship, I knew that I was powerless to get out of it. Soon there was talk of us moving in together and how I would be a great wife. Let me be frank: even in all my resistance, I eventually became crazy about this guy. I had been completely won over by his persistence. I can honestly say that up until that point, I had never with anyone else felt the way I felt with him. I felt so comfortable, connected, and adored by him. Just being in his arms gave me a feeling of comfort I had never felt before and I had no problem, hesitance, or shame looking straight into his eyes. Not only that, he was very affectionate, deep, funny, and attractive. And the chemistry between us was the equivalent of a painless electrocution, which many women mistakenly believe is some kind of heavenly sign of fate. It’s not. This took me years to realize myself and I imagine that this will be another hard thing for many women to learn and accept.
But I knew if we moved in together―which I considered but eventually resisted as I vowed after my previously relationship that I would never live with another man again unless he was my husband―my life as a Christian would be over. And even though I was messing up, I was still trying desperately to hold on to my faith. I tried to talk to him about God and becoming a Christian, but contrary to most women’s beliefs, he never took it seriously because he had witnessed first-hand, through me, the faulty and contradicting nature of salvation. And as emotional as men might come across in a moment of tenderness, they are logical creatures first. Also, he had no interest in letting go of his sinful ways. Nevertheless, I could feel myself falling for him more and more every day, and the seasons when I pushed him away became less and less frequent.
One early morning, in full awareness of the rabbit hole I was slipping deeper into, I sincerely called out to God in prayer. I told God that if He didn’t want that man in my life He was going to have to take him from me, because I couldn’t stay away from him on my own. Within a week or two, the mother of his child resurfaced out of nowhere, stirring up a lot of trouble, and after I gave him my own ultimatum about dealing with such nonsense, our relationship was suddenly over. To make things worse within a couple weeks he was back with his child’s mother.
As much as it hurt, I knew that God had heard and answered my prayer. With my heart in shambles, again I asked God what I should do. He told me to return home, which was three hundred miles away, in another state and I did. After that, except for a couple visits (over the course of two years) and very sparse phone calls, I never saw that man again. Today I know if I had chose to believe that what I was doing was not that bad, that I was in love, and that there was some destined fate between us (Proverbs 28:13), I could have ended up staying with that man for years and possibly even marrying him and in the process losing my salvation entirely. Not to mention that overtime I was able to see what kind of husband or partner he would have been, and let’s just say I dodged a bullet. I have no doubt that if I would’ve set my heart on staying with him, I wouldn’t be where I am in my relationship with God today, which is worth immensely more than even the best possibly relationship I could ever have with a man. Even after I was weak and sinned against God repeatedly, He was still there to comfort, guide, rescue, and even bless me (2 Corinthians 12:9) and no man in my life has ever come even close to that.
Shortly after I moved back home, a very nice apartment opened up for me out of nowhere, and I was able to return to school. God helped me to separate myself from that man physically and, over time, emotionally. Looking back, I know that man was used by the enemy to try and lure me away from God (Proverbs 1:10). Truth be told, it almost worked. Although that man wasn’t the devil himself―as so many people label those who tempt them―he was lost, deceived, and living in the flesh and only doing what’s natural for such people to do. But on that fact alone, he wasn’t suitable for me, because I had already experienced the emptiness of living in the flesh, and had sought after and accepted God because I no longer wanted to (2 Corinthians 6:14; 1 Corinthians 15:33).
Stephanie Kekeocha was born and raised in Chicago, IL. She has a bachelor’s degree in Liberal Arts and Sciences from University of Illinois at Chicago (UIC) and various coaching certifications. (read more)
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